What Values Look Like in Action
Values sit at the heart of every family business story. They are often described as the guiding force behind decisions, relationships, and legacy. Yet, for many families, discussions around values risk become something of a decorative piece: words chosen during a workshop or retreat that look good framed on the wall but have little bearing on day-to-day behaviour.
In truth, values are only meaningful when they are lived. They shape the culture of both the family and the business through the behaviour of those who hold ownership and influence. In a family enterprise, this is not a “nice to have”; it is the bedrock of trust, alignment, and long-term success.
What We Say vs What We Do
Values are aspirational. They describe who we want to be, what we stand for, and how we hope to act. Behaviour, on the other hand, is the evidence of those aspirations.
In family businesses, behaviour is culture in motion. The way owners interact, make decisions, resolve conflict, and communicate sets the tone for everyone else in the organisation. Whether consciously or not, people across the business take their cue from how the family behaves.
A culture of trust, fairness, and openness begins with owners who model those traits. A culture of avoidance or mistrust often traces back to behaviours within the ownership group that do not align with stated values.
In my work with families, most of the challenges I see, from breakdowns in communication to conflict or feelings of unfairness, stem from one of two sources: poor communication or misaligned expectations. Both can be traced back to how people interpret and express values differently.
Why “Values Cards” Often Miss the Point
It is common for families to use a deck of cards or a list of words to help identify their shared values. It can be an enjoyable way to begin a conversation and it can spark useful discussion. But, as family systems expert Matthew Wesley points out in his paper The Hidden Truth About Values (link here), this exercise often stays at the surface.
Families tend to select values that sound noble such as integrity, respect, or honesty and assume that by naming them they have captured who they are. Wesley describes this as “values theatre,” where families play out the performance of virtue without examining whether their behaviours actually reflect those values.
Take honesty as an example. One person might believe that honesty means speaking openly and directly, even when it risks upsetting someone. Another might believe that honesty includes diplomacy, telling the truth but only when it will not cause harm. Both people genuinely see themselves as honest, yet their behaviour in the same situation could look completely different.
The point is not to judge one as right and the other wrong, but to recognise that without discussing what honesty looks like in practice, both interpretations can exist side by side, quietly creating friction and misunderstanding.
From Words to Behaviour
To make values meaningful, they must be translated into behaviour. Instead of asking “What are our family values?”, a better question is “What behaviours demonstrate our values?”
This approach shifts the conversation from labels to lived experience.
For example:
If respect is a value, how do we behave when someone disagrees with us?
If fairness is a value, how do we make decisions about roles or rewards?
If loyalty is a value, how do we act when a family member challenges tradition or authority?
Once values are examined through behaviour, they become far more tangible and much more useful. Families begin to see not only what they aspire to but where there are inconsistencies that may be undermining trust or clarity.
Values as Code for Needs
Wesley offers an important reframe: values are often code for needs. The values we hold reflect the psychological and emotional needs that drive us.
If you value loyalty, you likely have a strong need for security and belonging. If you value freedom, you may have a need for autonomy and self-expression.
This understanding is crucial in family systems because when values conflict, what is really clashing are people’s underlying needs. A founder who values hard work may be expressing a need for control and stability. A rising generation member who values creativity might be seeking meaning and growth.
Seen through this lens, values disagreements stop being moral or personal conflicts and become opportunities for understanding. The question shifts from “Why don’t you share my values?” to “What need are you trying to meet that I might not have seen?”
This insight can transform how families communicate, reducing defensiveness and encouraging empathy across generations.
Listen to the Podcast Here:
Shared Culture Over Shared Values
Dennis Jaffe, in his paper The Journey Toward Governance for a Family Enterprise (available here), reinforces this idea by highlighting that families should not expect to share identical values. As families grow through generations, they naturally diverge in experience, geography, and worldview.
What can and should be shared, however, is culture. Culture is the collective outcome of agreed behaviours. It is the set of observable patterns that express how the family interacts, makes decisions, and handles differences.
Jaffe describes how successful multigenerational families build what he calls “family capital”: a combination of shared purpose, trust, and fairness that enables them to thrive together. These qualities depend less on everyone holding the same beliefs and more on everyone agreeing how they will behave toward one another.
It is not about identical values but about a shared understanding of how we do things together.
Practical Steps to Explore Your Family Values
If your family wants to explore this work more deeply, here are some starting points.
Start with stories, not words.
Ask each family member to share a time they felt proud to be part of the family or the business. What behaviours were evident in that moment? These stories reveal your real values far more clearly than any list of adjectives.Explore both sides of a value.
Wesley suggests six reflective questions for each value you identify:How does this value serve me?
How does it impair me?
How do I react when it is challenged?
What blind spot does it create?
How does it cause me to suffer?
How does it give me peace?
These questions strip away the noble veneer of values and expose their human complexity.
Develop a “values-in-action” statement.
Rather than producing a polished paragraph for a website, create a short, working document that captures agreed behaviours. For example:We listen fully before responding.
We challenge ideas, not people.
We admit mistakes quickly and learn from them.
These statements anchor your values in daily life.
Revisit regularly.
As families evolve, so do their needs and priorities. Revisiting your values every few years ensures they remain authentic and relevant.
Final Thoughts
Values define the spirit of a family business, but only when they are backed by behaviour. Words without action are decoration. Behaviour without reflection is habit. The combination of both creates culture.
Families that take time to explore what their values look like in action build stronger relationships, clearer expectations, and a culture that people trust.
As both Matthew Wesley and Dennis Jaffe remind us, the goal is not sameness but understanding. When families move beyond words to shared behaviour, they strengthen their business and the bonds that hold them together as a family.
References
